Monday, June 25, 2012

old lady..

So..this week I am turning a year older. I don't feel very happy about that. Remember when you were a kid and how excited you would get about your birthday? Planning your party and deciding on what kind of cake you wanted, picking out and giving a list of birthday present ideas to your parents? My birthday is in the end of June which meant I always had a pool party. Growing up we had a really nice inground pool, I was a fish, swimming every day during the summer. My mom used to yell at me to get out half the time because I was in there so much. Ah..summers of being a carefree kid. 

Even in my early twenties I was pretty excited about my birthday. I think 25 is where I decided I didn't like getting older. I kept gauging myself.."I should have been doing this by now.." "I should have been at this stage in my life" "I should have had a career I was happy in.." "I should have..." 

I wish I could turn that off in my brain. I wish I could just be happy with where I am at and be okay with that. I don't know if anyone ever really is truly happy with every aspect of their life at any given moment. I have hope that it exists. I could list off the things that would make me happy right now. They are very much different than the list I would have given you at 25. I am very content with the small things and am not materialistic whatsoever. I don't dream of the McMansion, the gas quenching SUV, the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. 

My dream is simple. A teeny house (under 1000 sq feet) and an art studio in the middle of the woods (Colorado or Maine would be the ultimate), an old beat up micro car (i'd take a 60's fiat or mini), my husband, my dogs, and the ultimate dream of working for myself. This is definitely a very feasible dream. I never have wanted to be a millionaire - what do you do with that kind of money? Well, I guess I would travel just simply everywhere and I would randomly buy people all their groceries when I went to a market. K thinks I'm crazy because we were actually just talking about this over the weekend - I was at the market and the cashier asked if I was all set, I guess the guy behind me had moved the marker so he wanted to make sure his stuff wasn't mine. The guy simply said, "Oh she can pay for this if she'd like too!" and I looked very sad, and said "Oh, I'm sorry." He started laughing and asked what I was sorry for. I said, "because I can't afford to pay for your items as well." He looked at me, eyes wide, like I was crazy. He said , "Honey, you are supposed to say, 'I'm not paying for his stuff!' and turn back around". I said, "I'm sorry. But really, if I had the money I would have paid." He kept laughing and shook his head. I actually felt bad. Why on earth should I feel bad for not buying someone else's groceries for them?! I don't know. But truly, if I was wealthy (not even wealthy) but if I had no debts. I really would do those sorts of things just because I really like helping other people out. I mean, seriously, how awesome would that be to be in line and the person in front of you turn to you and say - "I have their bill as well." I really am going to do this some day. And do it often.

So back to turning a year older. Because of this and the crankiness I'm sure I'll be feeling on Wednesday, regularly scheduled posts will be on hiatus for the week. I just want some "me time" and some time to just think and plan my life so by next year, I am one step closer to my goal of my simple life.

So here's to turning another year older...