Thursday, January 31, 2013

reflecting on years gone by..

It has already been a year with this blog. I'm not sure exactly where the time has gone, or how it has gone so quickly. But it's happened. BAM. Another year in the past. Sometimes I just sit and think about time and how fleeting it is. That even as I type these words...time is passing. 

When I was young, I can recall how slow time seemed to go. It was measured by school and summer vacations. The years always seemed to drag out and take forever to pass. Then a funny thing happened. All of the sudden I was old. I distinctly remember when I was about to turn 25 and how I thought my life was already over, if I hadn't figured out my career path and life goals at that point, I was a complete loser. I scrambled and decided to go to cosmetology school. Something completely out of my character (I have various anxieties and touching other people is one of them) So what was I thinking? Oddly, the sound of hairdryers and washing machines. Yes, I based an $8,000 decision on the fact that I love the sound of these things and would always walk by one of the top salons in the city and hear these sounds.

So I spent a year of my life going to school. I was a black sheep. All the other girls would be so excited to play and experiment. I just wanted someone to tell me what to do, I'd perfect it and move on to the next thing. It's what my personality always has me do. I can see things, master them and move on to the next higher skill. I knew it wasn't the right fit. But I tried and was forcing it because I was so sure that I needed to find a career. I was really good at what I did, I was the top student and had all the salons coming after me before I graduated. But I knew it wasn't for me. It never was. I got lucky that I never had to explain this to anyone because the summer following me graduating we picked up and moved to NY - and my license did not transfer. Easy fix. (state to state licensing is crazy - more testing etc etc. Bah!) 

I then spent the next six years working in a bank. Yes, me. I was a manager of a bank. Definitely didn't "look" the part and was told that nearly daily by my bosses. But the customers loved me. It felt good. But I didn't feel complete. Nothing seems to fit me. I do things and do them well. I have this urge and craving to be the best at whatever job I'm placed in. So those around think all is well. Think I am happy and satisfied when really I am just miserable and covering it up with a stellar work ethic.

I skipped around again and landed where I currently am. Again, same thing. I do my job extremely well. People love me because I get the job done, and get a lot of it done (usually 2-3 times more than others) So yeah, of course they love me. But I'm to a burnt out phase in my life. I'm sick of being the one that has the stellar work ethic at jobs that don't satisfy me. Why am I pushing so hard for companies that don't care about me? I know now (and probably have known all along) that I am meant to work for either myself or for a small company that is making a difference. That is for the people and the planet. If only I could just find a job that satisfied me and fit this criteria. 

Last year when I started my blog, I said it was supposed to be the "year of me". But it turned out to be just like every other year I have lived. There were crazy dips, both highs and lows just as there are every year. I did begin a new business. A business I had no intention of even starting at this time last year. I actually thought that I would have been a master glass maker (that was the plan anyway!) by the end of last year and be starting up that business. But instead I'm making soap. Something I never thought I would say.

I love making soaps. Part of me is a little worried that I will get bored and want to leave this venture behind as well. That I am destined to never settle for one thing. Never completely be content with things being the same and sticking with the same thing, day in and day out. But I really am going to give it a go. I have some exciting prospects that be a major impact on where this business is going (but alas, I need to keep this under wraps until I hear more..)

So, a year in review or a grown up life in review, I am no further ahead in my thoughts than I was five minutes ago. I am so envious of those that have the spontaneity to just get up and make a change and a big change at that. I always blame it on the fact of finances. But we have overcome some pretty difficult times, living on nearly nothing and still able to scrape by. If I keep waiting for the day that "all my debts are paid off" I may be waiting longer than I care to.

Change. It's inevitable. It's all around us. Even when we don't see it, change is occurring in the slightest ways.   Steve Jobs once said, " Deciding what not to do, is just as important as deciding what to do." By deciding to NOT change my current situation, I'm deciding to NOT to do all those other awesome things I want to be doing.

So my goal, is that while I can't just say "Take this job and shove it" like the classic 1977 hit, I need to begin investing in myself and set goals and get myself in a better position financially to one day be able to finally utter those words. I think I have a good thing in The Hive - I need to go after the opportunities that are being presented to me. I can't allow myself to get bogged down in the day to day drawl and just reach for what I want and take it. I need to stop being envious of all those other people that "make it work" to be able to work for themselves and be the person people are envious of.

So here is to another year. Another year of blogging. Another year of meeting many new friends and keeping those I have grown close with. Another year of growth for The Hive. And another year of gaining wisdom and adventures. Love you all.